


Dear Diary, Love Harry

by dattomlinsass



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: M/M, harry first person, harryandlouis, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2017-12-27 15:17:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dattomlinsass/pseuds/dattomlinsass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wonder what's inside that journal Harry's been carrying around lately? You know the one. Brown, leather, with writing all over it. Yeah, that one. How long has he had it?<br/>Well, this is a fictional first person narrative of what Harry has written in there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 20th of July, 2010

Dear Diary,

This is Harry Edward Styles, and I bought you five days ago when I was shopping with my mum for things I needed for X Factor boot camp. Anyway, I bought you to write about this crazy adventure I'm embarking on. I've tried to keep diaries before, but always stopped after a few days, but I feel this time will be different. So this is my life, and I'm not going to exaggerate or sugarcoat anything in here; it is what it is.

I first auditioned for Xfactor back in April. I don't remember a whole lot of how that went, it's all a blur really, but the judges liked me and now here I am. I sang 'Isn't She Lovely' by Stevie Wonder acapella. It's so surreal being here, I can't even begin to explain it. Today is day four of bootcamp and so far I think everything is going well. I hadn't really made any friends until today, and I really want to tell you about that. Is it weird that I'm writing to an inanimate object like it's a person? Oh well.

Okay, so during break, I went to the toilets. Not because I had to go, but because everyone was in little groups and I didn't want to stand there awkwardly alone like I had been the passed four days. So I went, washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror, wondering if I looked stupid or not. Then, this guy I'd seen quite a few times during bootcamp (I think he was interviewed right after me earlier today actually) came in and washed his hands right next to me. This guy is gorgeous diary, let me tell you. He's skinny, paleish and about my height, with long swooshy straight hair and these eyes, oh my god his eyes are crystal blue and he smiles like he knows a secret no one else does. Anyway, this guy is washing his hands next to me and he looks at me and goes "you're going to be a star one day"!!!!! He actually said that. To me. To my face, diary! And I look at him and I don't know what to say at all, but I stutter a "thank you so much, I think you will be too" which wasn't a lie, he definitely looks like he could be the next pop star. His singing isn't bad at all, it's very flowy and his voice reminds me of that time of year when summer's turning into fall and it's like heaven outside. Yeah, heaven. His voice is like heaven. Anyway, he introduced himself and his name is Louis and he's from Doncaster and he's eighteen. He seems really confident and I hope we become friends. I'm fairly certain we will. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and you're like 'yeah, that person's gonna be around for a while', that's what I felt today in the toilets. I don't want to say that I have a crush on him or anything, because I think his girlfriend was there with him, some pretty blonde girl, but I'd be happy with just being friends with him. I hope we both last in this competition. That would be really cool.

As far as the other contestants go, there's this thin brunette girl with a really powerful voice named Cher that I could definitely see winning this competition. And there's this Justin Bieber esque boy about my age who tried out for X Factor two years ago and made it to the judges house then but was sent home. This time, I think he's here to stay, he's _really_ good. I have no idea if I have the "X Factor" or not, but I really hope I do. I'm trying as hard as I can to improve and show the judges that I can do this. I truly feel that I'm meant for this, and if I get sent home I'm going to be devastated. Good vibes, good vibes. I can do this. I have what it takes. I'm going to give it my all.

It's getting late and I think I should sleep so I'm rested and ready to go for day five. I'm going to try and write in you as often as I can and I promise I won't leave out any details.

Love always, Harry.


	2. 23rd July, 2010

Dear Diary,

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. OH MY GOD.

I can't breathe. Today is without a doubt the best day of my life. My hands are still shaking, I literally can't process this.

Okay, so today we found out who was going through to the judges houses and who wasn't. As they were calling out the names of those who were safe, I stood there with my knees locked and I held my breath. Simon spewed the names and I waited. And waited. And suddenly he was finished. I looked around with more panic inside me than I ever had before. I thought, surely I'd missed my name. But no, I hadn't. I stood there with all the other misfits and started to cry. God, I was so upset. So I'm standing there crying and the rejects are starting to leave, but then Simon comes back and calls nine more names to follow him. Mine was one of them. My mind went to the worst possible thing: this couldn't be good. He was probably going to get us to do something stupid for TV. I was going to be that kid who got rejected from the X Factor. That was me now. But I followed him, along with four other boys and four girls. I was so nervous and upset, I almost didn't notice that Louis (!!!!!) was one of the rejects like myself. We looked at each other, me with tears in my eyes and probably looking like a complete moron, him with despair all over his face. He smiled at me anyway and we walked side by side to the stage. We all stood there, the girls on one side and the boys on the other. I looked around at the others next to me. That Justin Bieber esque kid I mentioned the other day was there, which blew my mind. He was amazing, I didn't understand why he was rejected. There were two others, a blonde Irish kid and some kind of middle Eastern guy. We all looked broken, it was so awful. And to top it off, I was still crying a little.

So there we were, just standing there, all shaking and sniffling. One of the girl was audibly sobbing. Then Cheryl started to speak. She talked about how we were all too talented to let go of and announced that they had hand picked us and put us in groups. One girl group, one guy group. I dropped to the ground and held my head, I've never felt that ecstatic in my life. I'M GOING TO THE JUDGES HOUSE. AS A PART OF A BOYBAND. DIARY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN THIS THING. WE HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN THIS THING. AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT LOUIS IS GOING TO BE WITH ME. When I stood up, Louis JUMPED INTO MY ARMS. He literally jumped. Into. My. Arms. And I caught him. And spun around. And then I put him down and before I knew it, we were all group hugging. My new band and I were all hugging. Simon saw something in each of us and I'm not going to let him down. I called my mum and she and Gemma screamed and cried and it was so amazing. I'm still half expecting to wake up in my bed and realize this was all a dream.

The boys and I hung out for hours after that getting to know each other. I just got home right now. This is what I know about each of them so far:

Liam Payne: Liam (Justin Bieber) took the lead already. He seems really serious and focused and I really like him. He seems really sweet and I think he wants us to succeed as much as I do. He wants us to practise together before we go to Simon's house.

Zain Malik: Zain's the middle Eastern one. He's pretty quiet, but he seems really smart. He's kind of hip hop, which I think will make a great addition to us. He seems really chill.

Niall Horan: He's the blonde Irish lad. Niall really seems like he's in this for the right reasons. He just wants to make people happy with his voice, and I think that's beautiful.

And finally, Louis Tomlinson: Louis' an actor and footballer (so hot, right?). He's been singing since he was little and this is what he's been waiting for. His dreams came true today. All of our dreams came true today.

We're all going to hang out and sing together quite a bit before we go to Simon's house in early October. I'm still shaking, this is absolutely crazy. I feel like I won't sleep for weeks.

OH. I got Louis' number and I've been debating texting him since the moment we all left. Okay, I got all of their numbers, but still. Should I? He has a girlfriend, I shouldn't.

So that was my day.

Love, Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to make this as accurate as it can be with the dates and whatnot. I hope you're all enjoying this xx


	3. 24 September, 2010

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't written in over a month, I honestly kind of forgot about you. Not to worry though, I have a lot to tell you. So, Louis, Zayn, Liam, Niall and I have been constantly texting since we were joined. I _really_ like these boys, Diary. We haven't known each other for very long, but we're already becoming really good friends. We all group call each other at least once a week to bond and sometimes sing songs we all know. It's hard to tell over the phone, but I think our voices will sound good together. I wish we all lived closer so we could hang out already. But Niall's in Ireland and Liam's in Wolverhampton and Zayn's in Bradford and Louis' in Doncaster. And I'm stuck here in Cheshire.

But, we have all been talking and sharing secrets and whatnot. What I've learned about each of the boys:

Liam's been really unlucky in love so far, which makes me sad because I can tell he has a heart of gold and I really hope we make it and he gets a gorgeous girlfriend who's equally as sweet and shows him how great he is.

Zayn's a really great artist. He sends me pictures of the graffiti he does and it's fantastic. He's really gifted. He also smokes weed sometimes but he promises he won't once we start X Factor so it doesn't jeopardize our chances. I've never smoked weed before, but if I ever do, I want it to be with Zayn.

Niall's a typical sixteen year old Irish boy. He loves spending time with his friends and family, having a few pints, and watching sports. He absolutely loves his country, which is really cool. I wonder if I'll ever get to go to Ireland. That would be neat.

Louis and I have been talking the most, and get this: he **is** gay. His "girlfriend" is Hannah, and they're actually just friends. He planned it out so that if he made it on X Factor, no one would know he was gay because that's pop star suicide. I guess he's right. But gosh, I was so excited when he told me. He told me before the other boys, and that made me really happy. We're becoming really close. He told the others on a group call and everyone seemed really cool with it. I'm really glad we don't have any homophobics in our band. I haven't told any of them other than Louis that I'm gay. Louis is the first person other than my mum and Gemma that I've told. I really trust him already. OH! I almost forgot! The other day Louis and I were talking on the phone about concerts we've been to and we realized we were at the exact same The Script show. Same day, same place. That's nuts! Diary, I've never really liked the idea of "fate", but this whole situation with Louis is making me reconsider.

Anyway, The Script is playing in Doncaster a week before we head off to Simon's mansion for X Factor and Louis invited me to stay with him and go to the show. I asked mum and she got in contact with Louis' mum and we're both going to go stay with them the whole week. I was apprehensive for mum to go at first because I thought it would be weird, but I'm leaving for who knows how long after, and she promised I'd be free to go hangout with Louis whenever and she and Jay (Louis' mum) have been talking a lot and have become pretty good friends as well. We haven't discussed sleeping arrangements yet, but I wonder if I'll be sleeping in Louis' room. I wonder what he wears to bed. If we do end up sleeping in the same room, I'll have to sleep with clothes on which I don't like doing, but I think I'll like sleeping in the same room with Louis more. I wonder if he snores. I wonder what his family's like. I wonder if he thinks I'm cute. I think he's cute. Actually, I find him more beautiful than cute. His personality is really cute, though. I really can't wait to see him. I'm nervous, but I'm really excited.

There are so many things to look forward to in the next coming month, Diary. My whole life is likely about to change and I couldn't be more ready. I told the guys from White Eskimo that I was put in a boyband and surprisingly they're not upset that I didn't ask them to try out with me. They're really supportive and made me promise not to forget them when I'm a world wide pop sensation. Ha ha.

Anyway, that's all I have for today, Diary.

Love, Harry


	4. 28 September, 2010

Dearest Diary,

What I'm about to tell you is sure to completely blow your mind. I'm not a writer, so please try to imagine everything as I describe it, then multiply how wonderful it is by a hundred and maybe that will be more of an accurate representation. Okay, let me start from the beginning.

So mum and I drove to Doncaster to Louis' house. When we got there, his mum greeted us with a huge smile and his four little sisters had made a banner that said "Welcome Harry & Anne" on it. Louis' mum is very nice, I think she likes me. His sisters are all younger and mostly blonde and look like little dolls. They're all his technically half sisters, but he loves them just the same. Did you know his birth father's last name is Austin? Louis Austin doesn't sound like the Louis I know.

Anyway, his family is all very nice and much louder than mine. I love it. There's seldom a quiet moment in the Tomlinson house before nine o'clock. Turns out I'm staying in Louis' room, which I didn't complain about at all. His room is kind of how I imagined, only much messier. Louis doesn't like cleaning and is very convinced he knows exactly where everything is, even though it's all on the floor or in a pile on his desk. He told me to take the bed and that he'd make a cot on the floor. I kept insisting the opposite, but refused to take the bed. I slept in his big empty bed alone the first night, although I didn't really sleep very much. It was comfortable and all, but I couldn't concentrate on sleeping. I kept wondering if he was also laying awake thinking, but was too afraid to ask. The next night, I laid down in his little cot while he was brushing his teeth and told him I wasn't taking his bed this time. We both slept on the floor, and ironically, I slept so much better. There was a gap in between us of course, but just knowing Louis was right there made me feel more like home.

The next day, which I guess was yesterday now, Louis took me for a walk while Jay, my mum, and his sisters went shopping. He showed me the playground of the primary school he'd gone to and told me about all the shenanigans he'd gotten into there. Louis' a really good storyteller; he gets so into everything he's saying and he uses grand gestures with his hands and it's lovely. You can really tell he was an actor. He played Danny in Grease and he promised he'd show me videos of it if I promised not to laugh. I can't wait, I'm sure he was great.

We had to leave for the concert an hour early because that's when the train came. Neither Louis nor I have our driver's license yet. I don't because I just haven't gotten around to it. Louis has failed his exam twice now. I know I shouldn't find that adorable, but I do. I've always loved trains, but never as much as I did with Louis. He makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt and I love that. He even laughed at my favorite joke.

_Knock knock_   
_Who's there?_   
_Little old lady._   
_Little old lady who?_   
_I didn't know you could yodel!_

The most common reaction I get with that one is "shut the fuck up", but Louis actually laughed. We were laughing so much, people kept looking at us funny on the train but we didn't care.

We went inside the venue and since we were so early, we got spots in the pit right in front of the stage. As the venue started to fill up, I looked back and said "wow, what if we get to sing in front of this many people someday", and Louis looked back and said "that would be a dream come true". There were at least a thousand people there, and it was just so humbling to stand there and be a part of it. This is going to sound cliche as hell, but it's exactly what I needed before going off to X Factor. Like, no matter what happens, I'm still a kid standing there seemingly insignificant in a sea of people with a guy I think is absolutely fantastic and no one looked at us twice and for once just being there was enough. For the next hour and a half, I stood very close to one of my favorite bands performing music I loved, and I got to share that experience with someone who was equally as passionate about the music as me. You know how you talk someone into going to something you're really interested in but they aren't and it kind of ruins the experience for you? This was the complete opposite. Louis and I seemed to feed off each other's energy. Every couple songs or so we'd just look at each other and smile really big like "oh my god, we're so close to them. This is so sick!"

The Script played two encores. For the final one, they played Breakeven, which is their most popular song. I was swaying along to the song when I looked over at Louis who was already looking at me and he leaned in and kissed me. He kissed me right there, in the front row of a venue in front of a thousand people who weren't even paying attention to us. During a really great song.

You know how people always say your first kiss is supposed to be magical? Well, mine wasn't. I remember being against a tree with this girl I was dating at the time and we kissed and it was nice, but I didn't see fireworks and I didn't go leave on cloud nine. So I thought first kisses were severely overrated and shrugged it off. It could have just been the atmosphere of the concert, but the second Louis' lips touched mine, I felt my insides flip and my head spun and the world stopped for a brief moment and we were all there was. Like that brief moment of history was completely ours and no one elses. It wasn't a peck, but there was no tongue. It was a perfect kiss. His lips were so soft and I didn't have time to worry if I was doing it right and when he pulled away we just looked at each other smiling for a second before looking back at the stage and singing along to the song. And then it was over and The Script thanked us all for coming around and that Doncaster was the best city ever and then we left, hand in hand back to the train. His hands are so dainty and fit perfectly in mine. And none of it was awkward. Not one bit. We didn't discuss the kiss, just talked about how great the concert was and what our favorite parts were.

When we got back to Louis', we laid down in the cot again and Louis laid next to me and played with my hair until I fell asleep. I woke up this morning spooning him. I've never slept next to someone I've kissed before, but it sure beats waking up any other way. We still haven't discussed what happened, but it still isn't awkward. I am really nervous about what's going to happen next and how Zayn, Niall, and Liam will react to this if it continues. God, I hope it continues. I don't believe in "love at first sight" or any of that nonsense, but I believe in chemistry, something in which I believe Louis and I have loads of. My common sense tells me that this can't end well, especially because we're about to have to work together professionally and our whole futures rely on how well we do at X Factor, and I'm not going to fuck this up. I'm being incredibly optimistic here, but I feel as though everything is going to work out just fine.

We leave for Simon's Marbella mansion early tomorrow morning. Louis and I are hopping on a plane and should be arriving within an hour of the other boys. I'm such a mixture of excited and nervous and when I think about it, I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'll keep you posted.  
Love, Harry


	5. 3 October, 2010

Dear Diary,

Well, I've been at Simon Cowell's mansion for X Factor for three days now. Louis' mum and my mum took us to the airport and bid us a tearful goodbye. Jay said the next time she sees us, we're gonna be big stars. Louis' little sisters even hugged me goodbye; I really like them.

You're probably wondering what's going on with Louis and I, aren't you? Well, we finally discussed what was going on. Neither of us can deny how we feel around each other, that we determined for sure. We don't know if it's a good idea to tell anyone yet, especially our bandmates, so for now it's on the down low. At the airport before we left, Louis squeezed my hand and both our mums noticed, but didn't say anything. Louis laid his head on my shoulder on the plane the entire flight. I consider him my boyfriend, even though we haven't used that term yet.

Here at the mansion, Louis, Zayn, Liam, Niall and I share a room. In our room is two bunk beds and one twin bed. Louis and I claimed a bunk bed, him on top, mine on bottom. Zayn and Niall claimed the other, Zayn taking the top, Niall the bottom, and Liam has the single bed. It's hard to sleep here, though. I mean, between all the excitement, nervousness, and sharing a room with four lads, I can hardly think about sleep.

Oh, and there's Louis too. So far every night when all the other boys are asleep, Louis has climbed down to my bunk and we've cuddled and kissed for at least half an hour. Last night I guess we were making the bed creak while we were making out (!!!!!!!!) and it woke Liam up. Thankfully, the lights were off and he just angrily asked what the hell I was doing. I apologized quietly and he didn't investigate.

I don't think Louis' a virgin. He's really good at kissing and isn't shy about grabbing my hips while we make out or any of that. I'm not a virgin either, but he seems more experienced than I am. I kind of wish I was a virgin, because I'd imagine my first time being with Louis would have been way better than my actual first time. I don't like telling this story, but I feel like I should. Alright, so one day I went to a friend's house to swim. His parents were on holiday and his older brother had bought him a bunch of alcohol. I'd never really drank before so I didn't know my limits at all so I ended up really drunk in the pool talking about how lonely I was. He was also pretty drunk, and said he was lonely too. He suggested we kiss and things led to other things and I don't remember the actual sex, but I do remember waking up on the guy's floor half dressed and sore. I felt really dirty. It wasn't how you picture your "first time" and until now, I never really thought about doing it again. Gosh, rereading that makes me want to throw up.

I wonder if Louis wants to have sex with me. Not yet, of course. I'm not ready for that yet, but I mean eventually. I wonder if he's laying awake right now a couple feet above me thinking about us. It's pretty late right now, but we're all awake and Fast & Furious is playing on Liam's laptop.

Despite my intense infatuation with the most beautiful person I've ever seen, I've surprisingly managed to stay focused when we work on our first song. For us, Simon picked Torn by Natalie Imbruglia which has been one of my guilty pleasures since it first came out. And get this, I have a solo! Liam starts out the song while Niall, Zayn and Louis harmonize. Louis' voice is perfect for harmonies. I start my solo with the verse that goes "There's nothing where he used to lie" but Simon had us change all the masculine pronouns to feminine ones since we're boys. That doesn't really bother me, though. Zayn has the last solo near the end, and I've come to realize that he has a really fantastic range. Anyway, our song is really coming together and we perform it for Simon tomorrow to see if we advance. I don't know what the other contestants sound like as of right now, but I feel really confident in our abilities. We really do sound great together.

I'm going to watch the movie until everyone goes to bed and then hopefully get to cuddle with Louis. This is my favorite nightly routine.

Love always, Harry xx


	6. 5 October, 2010

Dear Diary,

Did I ever mention that our band name is One Direction? Well, One Direction was supposed to perform for the judges yesterday for the first time as a group but we had a minor setback. Alright, so this morning all the people from the house went to the beach. Liam and Niall were playing sand volleyball with some of the others, I was watching a crab scuttle across the sand, and Louis and Zayn were trying to surf. I guess I was engrossed in watching the silly little crab, because all of a sudden I hear a shriek and I snapped my head back instinctively to the ocean and Zayn is frantically running (as well as anyone can run in the water) towards Louis who had fallen and was now hissing and clutching his leg. I ran, well, stumbled really, towards him and yelled for someone to call an ambulance. Turns out, Louis got stung by a jellyfish. When I got to him, he showed me his leg and whimpered. God, it was so scary. I picked him up and ran him back to shore to wait until the paramedics arrived. He clutched onto me and everybody surrounded us, it was nuts. Luckily, the paramedics arrived quickly and treated Louis a little there before taking him to the hospital as just a formality. I really wanted to go, so he wouldn't be alone but Simon told all of us to stay and that he would go. I swear I was more shaken up than Louis was.

Louis came back a couple hours later. Zayn, Liam, Niall and I waited in front of the house for Simon's car to pull up. When it did, Louis came running out and literally jumped into my arms, not unlike when we were first joined as a band not too long ago. I was so glad he was okay. Simon told us we would be performing the next day so that Louis could rest. It was after Simon left that Liam sat us all down and told us that he wasn't stupid and he knew what was going on. He knew Louis and I were seeing each other. He said that anyone with eyes could see. Zayn and Niall nodded and Louis turned the brightest shade of red. Liam told us that he knew there was nothing he could do about it, but made us promise to stay professional no matter what when it came to the band. Louis and I agreed, of course. Zayn told us he really admired our courage, which I thought was a funny thing to say until I realized what we were doing. We're two teenaged boys going to be on national telly who fancy each other. I suppose we are kind of courageous. It still kind of baffles me that in the year 2010 people are still closed minded and think love has one set definition. Not that I'm in love with Louis. Okay Diary, that was a lie. I really think I am. I don't even really think it, I feel like that's just how it is. And it's weird and it's crazy and it seems like this is all happening so fast, but it is what it is, you know?

So we did our first "video diary" yesterday as well. Don't worry Diary, I don't get as personal with it that I do with you. And it's only been twenty four hours, but we've gotten a lot of views and comments and most of them are positive and I can't believe it! Most are from girls saying how cute we are, which is kind of mind blowing. None of us were exactly the guy every girl wanted in school. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, it feels really good to see several comments saying how cute you are, but on the other hand, I feel like it's only because we're on TV. I really hate the word 'famous'. Like, **really** hate it. If we make it, I don't think fame is going to change any of us five very much. We're all pretty humble, and I hope to God we stay that way.

Last night, all of us sat under the stars and practised our song for a good two hours. We're all getting tired of Torn, but I think we've mastered it. After we rehearsed, we all looked up at the stars and talked. Louis and Liam have been bickering a little. Liam doesn't think Louis is serious enough and Louis wants Liam to chill out and have some fun. They both have valid points and I vowed to not take sides, but they talked it out last night and I think they're calling truce. Zayn confessed that he's afraid Simon's going to try and make us into a cookie cutter boyband and try to portray us and people that we aren't. We all promised to stay true to ourselves, no matter what happened. Liam and Niall also confessed that they were both virgins. Liam's waiting for the right girl, and Niall doesn't want to have sex until his wedding night. The other boys asked Louis and I what exactly was happening between us. If we were dating or whatever. That's when Louis looked at me and asked if I wanted to be his boyfriend. I felt frozen and electric at the same time, just so buzzing with energy, yet I didn't feel like I could move. I surprised myself by letting out a squeaky 'yes' and enveloped him in my arms and kissed him. The other boys let out little _awh_ 's and clapped. Niall cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted _gaaaaaay_ which was really funny and not offensive at all because it was true and you could tell he was doing it to be funny. One thing I love about Niall is that he's always trying to make everyone have a good laugh. So..I have a boyfriend. A boyfriend that makes me laugh constantly, who tickles me in the mornings to wake me up until I can't breathe, whose eyes make me feel like home, who smells like safety, who has the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen, and who apparently feels the same about me. I want to describe this feeling accurately, but I don't think I can. He makes me feel so..giddy. I truly can't explain it.

Louis slept in my bunk last night. I held him straight until morning, when we had to get up, eat breakfast, and get ready to perform in front of the judges. Our performance went even better than it had all the times we practised. Liam started out incredibly strong, and I picked up where I was supposed to. My voice didn't shake and I felt confident. Louis did amazing. All of us did amazing. Then we went to the X Factor stage for the results and guess what...

_**WE ADVANCED!!!!!!!** _

We did it. We're safe for at least another week. If we didn't think we actually had a shot before, we definitely do now. The boys and I are already planning for next week. Did I mention we were on live telly today? Well, we were. The old country saw Louis with his arm around me while we were anxiously awaiting our verdict, and they also saw when we were told the news that we got through and me hugging Louis. All of our mums called almost exactly when we went backstage telling us how proud they were of us. Louis handed his phone to me and his mum and sisters all told me congratulations and that I did great. Neither his nor my mum have said anything to us about us yet, but I'm pretty confident in that they know we're seeing each other. I'm surprised at how positively those who know have been reacting so far.

After the show, this gay duo that's also on Team Simon called Diva Fever (real names Craig and Joseph) invited Louis and I if we wanted to go out to eat with them. We accepted and had a good time hanging out with them. They asked how long we'd been together, and we said just a few hours and they both gasped. They said we looked as comfortable as a couple who'd been dating at least a year. I don't know if they were just being nice, but it sounded genuine. I guess at least most of the contestants can tell we're more than just friends, which both scares me and also kind of relieves me. I never really wanted to make a big show out of _coming out_ ; I never really saw the big deal in it. I'm just me, it doesn't change anything about who I am.

I'm just really thankful for everything today. I'm thankful to have been put with the four most awesome guys ever. I'm thankful for whatever talent I have that got me here. I'm thankful for Louis. And for Zayn, Liam, and Niall. I couldn't have asked for a better opportunity and I keep thanking my lucky stars for all of it.

And now my hand is cramping from writing so much. So until next time, Diary.

Love, Harry xx


	7. 17 October, 2010

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't written in a while, we've all been really busy. I'm going to try and recap the passed week as best I can:

So first, the band got the opportunity to go watch the England vs. France football game at Wembley. I'm not a huge football fan, but I did really enjoy the game. We all got shirts, which is pretty cool. And we got interviewed and I think that's going to be on TV (or already has been on TV? I don't know) and that's crazy to me.

After that, we spent the week bonding and rehearsing. We haven't really been hanging out with any of the other contestants other than Cher. She's really cool. She's crazy and has a huge personality and I love it. I hope we keep in contact after X Factor.

This week, Simon chose My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson for us to sing. I like the song okay. We spent so many hours rehearsing it, I think I'd be fine if I never heard it again, honestly.

I don't know how to transition into this, so I'm just going to go right out with it: I got my first blowjob this week. I feel kind of weird writing all of this down, but this really isn't for anyone's eyes but my own, so I'm going to. The other evening after dinner, everyone in the house played charades as per Simon's request. He wants all of us in the house to get to know each other. So we did that and then once everyone dispersed I got a text from Louis telling me to come to the bathroom next to our room and that the door was unlocked. Just seeing his name pop up on my phone gives me butterflies. Anyway, so I tried to look presentable and then went into the bathroom, where Louis was sitting cross-legged on the counter. I walked up to him and he put his legs around my waist and we kissed. It got steamier and I didn't realize I was grunting until Louis shushed me and got up and turned the shower on to block out any noises I made. Louis got really close to my face, so I puckered for another kiss, but instead of giving that to me, he dropped to his knees and undid my jeans in one swift motion and before I fully realized what was happening, his hands were around my cock. He asked if he could put it in his mouth and I swear I've never been that hard in my life. I felt like I was in a kinky dream, because I swar looking down at Louis on his knees looking up at me with his bright blue eyes and pouty lips was something out of a really great porn video. Of course I told him yes, and he went at it. That boy knows what he's doing. He teased me at first, just licking the tip and looking up at me, as if waiting for permission to take more of me in. He took my moaning as permission enough and went from bobbing his head slowly to quicker and quicker. I'm not going to lie, I didn't last very long. I warned him right before I came but instead of pulling his head back, he took all of my cock into his throat and let me come. Louis must have been born without a gag relfex, and for that I am thankful. He slowly lifted his head and looked me straight in the eyes, swallowed, and took off his clothes. He invited me to shower with him, so I did. This was the first time I saw Louis naked. His body truly is a wonderland (please ignore my John Mayer reference). He's very lean and muscular, but also curvy in just the right places. I'd been admiring Louis' bum in his pants since the day I met him, and unclothed, it was even more magnificent that I could have ever imagined. In the shower, we washed each other's hair and rubbed soap all over each other's bodies and kissed under the warm water. After we'd been in the shower for at least forty minutes, we got out and dried off. Louis pressed his ear to the door and waited until he couldn't hear anyone in the hallway before opening the door so we could scurry out. We'd almost made it to our room before Cher cleared her throat and we looked back in horror. She just shook her head and then winked before returning to her own room. So..yeah. That happened.

On a lighter, slightly less sexual note, One Direction did another video diary where people asked us questions like our favourite song and what kinds of girls we like. I had no idea what to say, so I kind of blanked and said that I like girls with nice faces, which was a dumb, obvious answer, but I figured it was better than "I like girls who are actually not girls and who are named Louis Tomlinson". Louis responded saying he liked girls who liked carrots. His comedic timing is always on point and he never sounds awkward. I like to think we balance each other out that way. I'm awkward and strange looking and he's gorgeous and funny and confident. Not that I'm not confident, but he just seems so comfortable with who he is, and rightfully so. Anyway, I haven't really grasped the fact that girls are watching us and tweeting us and find us really cute. I could get used to this, but I'll never let it go to my head. Never.

Us and the other remaining thirteen contestants all sang Telephone by Lady Gaga and Beyonce together and it was so much fun. All of us danced and sang our parts and the crowd seemed to really enjoy it. Cher did amazing on her part. I honestly think she's going to win.

After that, we were rehearsing our Kelly Clarkson song and wouldn't you know it: I got ill. I was supposed to have a solo after Liam, but every time I tried to sing it, I felt like I was going to throw up. I don't know what came over me; I've never gotten stage fright so badly to where I couldn't perform. Our vocal coaches made me go to the doctor to make sure I was okay and I missed sound check, so they took my solo away and gave it to Liam. When I came back, Louis kept bringing me cold water and telling me he knew I'd do great and that I shouldn't worry about it. He's truly the sweetest thing. When we went on stage, my nerves went away and I sang and everything went way better than expected. Cheryl told us how cute we were and it was such an amazing feeling. Diary, I really can't explain what it feels like to be singing on a stage in front of thousands of people and looking down at the first row to girls screaming their heads off at you, but it's incredible. Liam says I say incredible a lot. I suppose I do.

We advanced again!!! I can't believe it!

That's all I have for now, Diary.

Love, Harry xx


	8. 24 October, 2010

Dear Diary,

If summer and fall had a baby, it would've been Louis Tomlinson. Seriously, his smile looks like summer, and when he laughs it's like a summer evening when the sun is setting and you're on the beach sitting around a bonfire having the time of your life. And then when he kisses me, it's like stepping on the first crunchy leaf of the season or putting on your favorite jumper when it's chilly out. Next time I see his mum, which should be soon I think, I'm going to thank her for raising such a great guy.

Gemma called me the other day asking how my boyfriend was. She sounded genuinely curious and I'm so glad she didn't make a big deal out of it. I just answered, saying he was great, that _we_ were great, and she was delighted and asked about the competition. I love my sister so much.

This whole week, I've still been feeling a little ill, and Louis has been taking amazing care of me. He's made me hot tea with honey and checked my forehead for a fever every morning. We cuddle when we have down time and he still kisses me even though he could get sick too. Louis doesn't really seem like the kind to be paternal or whatever, but he really is. I think it's because of his four little sisters; he helped raise them. I really respect him for that. And that fact that his mum's a registered nurse. Like, it wasn't his fault that his biological father and his step father both left, but he didn't hesitate to jump in and help his mum when she was working two jobs to support her five kids. He's really incredible.

Anyway, I've been feeling a lot better. Louis and I have been really affectionate in the house lately and people stare, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. He kisses me on the cheek and puts his arm around me at dinner and I still can't contain my butterflies. Maybe society is changing. Maybe people are becoming more open minded. I hope so. I wonder how long it'll be until gay marriage is legal in the UK. I know I'll see it in my lifetime, and that makes me really happy to be alive right now. Like, I know most teenagers claim they wished they were born in the 60's or 70's, but honestly, I think I'm really content with where we're at in history right now.

I guess I should probably talk about our performances as a band now, shouldn't I? Sorry, I've kind of made this journal more about Louis than anything else.

Well first, we all got to go shopping, but it kind of turned into us in a massive crowd of screaming girls. Girls of varying ages screamed all of our names and wanted to take pictures with us and get our autographs. It's all just so surreal. A girl cried when she met me, and I have no idea why. There were flashes from cameras everywhere and we could hardly walk through the crowd. I don't think I'm ever going to get used to this.

Okay, so first all the finalists got to sing Hero for the charity Help For Heroes. Maybe I'm just sensitive, but I was so honored to help raise money for such a good cause, and I plan on helping many charities in the future, regardless of where this competition takes me. We got to meet soldiers and a bunch of them personally thanked us for doing this. I met one of the soldier's wives, and she talked about how the day her daughter was born, she got a call that her husband had been in a tank that got bombed. He ended up losing his leg, but survived. The charity we sang for helped get him a prosthetic and into rehabilitation and now he's able to run and play with his daughter. I cried like an idiot when she told me this story, but I'm so incredibly proud to be a part of something that helps others.

For our actual performance, we changed our song last minute because apparently it just didn't sound right. Liam suggested we sing Nobody Knows by Pink and we ran with it. Simon was really nervous and admitted that he didn't know if we could handle getting it down in only twenty four hours, but we proved him wrong. I think this is the first time we've all sounded brilliant on stage. Zayn has one of the best ranges in his voice I've ever heard. Louis carries the chorus every time, and Niall's so good with harmonies. Liam's always been brilliant, and he's even getting better with the help of our coaches, it's crazy. I've gotten vibrato down, and I'm so much more comfortable on stage now. I don't feel awkward, I just have fun with it. I even winked at the camera, which might have looked stupid, but I don't care. I love that all of us smile at each other on stage and we're all having the time of our lives. And after our performance, we all hugged and the audience went wild and it was ridiculous. Cheryl talked about how we're already creating a hysteria with our fans, like how we can't go out without getting mobbed by screaming girls and that's what great boybands do. We didn't get any negative feedback from the judges at all, and of course, we advanced again.

God, I'm on cloud nine.

Love always, Harry xx


	9. 31 October, 2010

Dear Diary,

This whole week has been so much fun. Louis made our tour diary absolutely hilarious (as always) for having a tie tied around his eyes and "reading" the questions, and he'd look at me when he addressed Liam and it was just really funny. All the other groups in Simon's category are angry at us (One Direction) for "taking all Simon's attention", and they're making us seem like the bad guys, and I really don't understand. Like, even if he is, how is that our fault? Whatever, we're just brushing it off. If they have a problem, they can address Simon.

We did a couple other videos, one where we did impressions of other contestants and with one, Louis grabbed my face and kissed my cheek and I think it's going up on YouTube or something. I don't think we've really shown much affection on camera yet, and I have no idea how our "fans" (it's so weird saying that we have fans) are going to react. Positively, I hope. I mean, I don't see why not.

In the other video, we answered questions from viewers with a couple other contestants. Louis and Aiden Grimshaw posed as hosts and me, Liam, Niall and two others answered them. Louis sat on Aiden's lap, which made me a tiny bit jealous, so when they asked who we thought the fittest in the house were, I said either Aiden or this girl Tracy. Tracy's very pretty and Aiden is VERY attractive, but neither of them compare to Louis in my opinion. I think that made Louis a little jealous too, because as soon as the camera stopped, he came over and sat in my lap and kissed me. Aiden told us to get a room so we went back to our room and made out. We make out a lot now, but that's as far as it's gone since that one time in the bathroom. Nothing's wrong, I just think we both want privacy when things advance, which we can't get in a house completely full of people. I like things how they're going right now, though. It's perfect.

He's perfect. God, he really is. Louis' mum Skyped him earlier today before our performance and Louis was in the restroom so I answered and she greeted me so warmly and asked how my "husband" was and it was so heartwarming. We've gotten such a great reaction with our families, I love it. His sisters showed us their Halloween costumes and wished us the best of luck and then Louis' mum told us she'd be visiting next week and that she'd bring my mum. It's going to be so much more nerve-wracking having them in the audience. Like, right now, I don't know anyone in the crowd, so I'm not worrying that I'm gonna fuck up. But if my mum's there, I have to be perfect. That doesn't really make any sense, but that's how I feel. Anyway, Louis is absolutely perfect and I've never felt this strongly or been so fond of someone in my entire life before. Like, I thought I had crushes before, but never this intensely. I just knocked on wood, but I see this relationship going far. I said in our tour diary that the most romantic thing I could do for someone would be to write them a song, and I'm going to do that someday for Louis. One day when I know for certain that I want to spend the whole rest of my life with him, I'll write him a song. Mark my words.

Our performance this week was really cool. We had a Halloween theme, so our makeup artist put really pale face makeup on us and made around our eyes red and put fake blood on us. Louis looked really sexy as a vampire. We sang Total Eclipse of the Heart, and it was Louis' best performance. There was one part where you could hear him over everyone else and it was brilliant; the crowd went wild and you could tell that he's a true star. We got full positive feedback yet again and we're still here.

It's looking good for One Direction, and I honestly think we have a future in this. We talked about where we'd be if we weren't here. Liam would be in a factory making aeroplanes, Zayn would be at uni getting an English degree to be a teacher, Niall would be at uni studying sound engineering, I would be at uni and working at the bakery still, and Louis said he honestly didn't know where he'd be. What I do know about him is that he's an incredibly actor and a great football player. I think he could be pro if he wanted. In his room back at home, he has a whole wall with awards and trophies for it. I saw the video of him being Danny from Grease and he was great at it. Before X Factor, he was working at a Toys R' Us, which is strange to me. I feel like he could excel at anything, and I kind of feel like it was destiny for him to be here. Like, he didn't exactly have a direction before this, and now here, possibly starting a career that could get him to travel the world doing something he loves. He said he didn't start singing seriously until he was fourteen, but he's a natural, he really is. All of us are. I'm not big on religion, like I said, but I feel like some higher entity brought us all together for a reason. We were all supposed to meet and do this together and maybe we will be the next Backstreet Boys or N'sync. Maybe we're just here so that we could meet and become lifelong friends. I know it's weird to say, but I can hardly remember my life before these boys. We're all so close and I never want to lose contact with any of them for the rest of my life.

Well, I should probably go wash my makeup off now..or maybe cuddle with Louis and get our makeup all over each other ;)

Love, Harry xx


	10. 1 November, 2010

Dear Diary,

So today I not only ruined my own life, but I also ruined my four new best friends/brothers lives as well. LET ME TELL YOU HOW I DID THAT.

Earlier today Louis and a bunch of the guys from the house were playing footy outside and I'm really shit at footy so I went to shower. I undressed and was looking at myself in the mirror. Not in a vain way, but I've gained some body confidence lately what with a boy with the most amazing body in the world fancying me, so I decided to snap a picture. I know that's dumb. I do. I get it. It was a stupid idea and I never should have done it in the first place. BUT DESPITE ME KNOWING BETTER, I SENT IT TO LOUIS. Other people have done it and nothing bad happened to them, so I was going to be fine, right? RIGHT?!

Wrong, obviously. I sent it and then got in the shower, completely unaware that Louis had set his phone on a table, and fucking Matt Cardle was going to pick it up, apparently with the intent on alerting Louis to his new text message, but he was nosy and was shocked and appalled at my naked body, so much so that he thought it was a good idea to email it to himself, along with everyone in the house. INCLUDING SIMON COWELL.

So there I am, washing shampoo out of my hair when I'm startled by a loud banging on the bathroom door. I ask if whoever it is minds, that I'm kind of in the middle of something, and Zayn yells back no, it's really important. So I put a towel on and open the door and he explains and then shows me the picture I'd taken of myself. Liam and Niall barge in to yell at me about how inconsiderate it was of me to do that for the band, that we could get kicked out for this, blah blah. I start crying and apologizing because I'm fully aware that I fucked up and there's nothing I can do about it now. So I put clothes on and by the time I get back to our room, Simon's sitting on my bed with Louis and asks if we can have a chat.

I say yes, of course, and I'm still crying and Louis is sitting there trying to smile at me, trying to tell me it's okay, but it's not. Simon started off by saying he knew what was going on since the beginning, and it's okay for us to be together, that he knows he can't stop us, but we have to keep it a secret. Louis got defensive and asked why, that it was 2010 and if some people are closed minded twats that it's their own damn problem, but Simon said we have a huge future and a homosexual relationship would be "toxic". Louis popped off at Simon, really yelled at him. He said that Simon was no better than anyone on the street holding a "God Hates Fags" sign, which, granted, isn't true, but Louis was overreacting. Simon stayed calm and tried to tell Louis that he didn't make the rules of fame, they just were. And Louis kept yelling about how that was bullshit. Simon suggested Louis go stay with his mum for the night so that everything could blow over. Louis stormed off. I wanted to chase after him so badly right that second, but I couldn't move. God, I was so devastated.

I kept apologizing to Simon, and he kept telling me it was okay, it was just an honest mistake. He told me he could already tell that we had something special, and that he wasn't the best person to advise on love, but to not let it go so long as we're both happy. He said it would be really hard, but keeping our relationship on the down low might work in our favor. I guess I understand. I mean, if we do take off (Simon seemed pretty sure that we will), then our relationship can be kind of private and not have paps in our business all the time. He made me promise not to ever take another picture like that again, and I promised.

After we hugged and I stopped crying, I went to find Louis. I found him in a tree behind the house softly singing to himself. I told him I was so sorry, and he said not to apologize, that he should have had his phone on him, and it was just really bad timing. I climbed up the tree and sat with him and he held me. He told me that things were probably about to change. He said that he would probably have to refer to Hannah as his girlfriend more, which is understandable, I guess. I just nodded and said "okay" a lot.

Eventually, Niall, Liam and Zayn found us and Niall and Liam apologized for yelling at me. They told us that Simon addressed the whole house on the importance of not touching other people's cell phones and everyone had to sign some thing swearing to not reveal personal matters that go on in the house to anyone. Louis' mum picked him up and gave me a big hug only mums give and kissed me on my forehead before leaving. Louis will be back tomorrow ready to practise our song for the week, which is Kids In America if you were interested.

The next bit's the fun bit. And by "fun", I mean the most awkward and terrible conversation of my life. I decided to call my mum and explain the whole situation to her before she had the chance to see that picture of me anywhere. She didn't react terribly, just did that whole "Oh Harry.." she does when I do something wrong. She asked why I would do something like that after she sat down with both Gemma and I and told us never to take provocative pictures of ourselves, that they wouldn't just go away and stay private. I kept telling her I was sorry and started crying again and she said it was okay, that she still loved me so much and was still very proud of everything I've accomplished thus far. She also said she was very happy that Louis and I were official, but she wishes she would have found out under different circumstances. OH AND SHE ASKED IF MY "WILLY" WAS IN THE PICTURE, SO THAT WAS AWKWARD AS HELL.

Anyway, so I'm an idiot.

Love, Harry


	11. 2 November, 2010

Dear Diary,

It's nearly two in the morning and everyone else is asleep. I couldn't sleep, so I got up out of bed and went to the kitchen to make a mug of tea. I didn't really drink it, just held the warm cup in my hands and stared out the window. I'm feeling really soul-searchy and weird, so bear with me, Diary.

Louis came back to the house today. Liam showed me some gossip site that said that two members of the same sex in the X Factor house were more than just friends and one of them had "disappeared" from the house. It's truly remarkable how quickly things spread. Anyway, so Louis came home and Simon, him and I had another talk. Hannah's Louis' "girlfriend" for the time being. Louis and I have a "bromance", so we don't really have to change anything we're doing, which is a huge relief. I didn't fuck everything up! We just can't outwardly say we're dating, which I guess is fine with me. It has to be, anyway. I hope I don't have to lie. I'm such a shit liar.

I'm just really scared about this whole thing, Diary. I mean, say, best case scenario: we win X Factor and become a huge boyband and tour and stuff. Are we ever going to be able to be together, publicly? Will we even be dating a year from now? What's going to happen if we break up? Is it going to be okay that none of us can dance? Is that even allowed in boybands? Don't get me wrong, I want us to get big, I really do, with every fiber of my being. It just dawned on me today that it's not going to be easy. I know that sounds dumb, but I never really thought about how hard it would be. It's weird having my business reported on a gossip site. I bet it's weird for people like Justin Bieber who can't leave his house without a thousand pictures being uploaded to the internet. I know it'll be worth it, though. At least I hope so. It has so be.

Today I scrolled through the comments on one of our tour diaries and saw a whole bunch of positive comments, but I stopped at one that just simply said "I don't get the appeal of Harry. He looks dopey and talks really slow." and I cried. God, I'm so sensitive. Like, I'm usually pretty good at brushing stuff off, but it's just that she doesn't know me. She has no idea if I'm actually intelligent or not and she felt the need to post that. Yeah, I talk slow. I'm very well aware of that, but I never thought that made me sound dopey until now. And if one person felt the need to comment that, I'm sure more people feel that way too. I know I should be focusing on the hundreds of nice comments, but I can't shake that one. Like, what makes her think that's an okay thing to say? Louis walked in on me crying and held me and told me I was one of the smartest people he's ever met, which I doubt is true, but it was a really nice thing to say. He didn't think I was stupid for crying, or at least he didn't act like he did. Louis' really so incredibly kind, I can hardly believe it. He's amazing, and I feel like his personality fits perfectly with mine. I'm smitten. I keep tweeting corny love song lyrics about him.

I think tomorrow we're meeting our backup dancers for our performance this week. Simon decided on cheerleaders, and I'm really interested to see it all come together.

Sorry this was mostly a pointless entry. I'll let you know how we do this week.

Love, Harry xx


	12. 7 November, 2010

Dear Diary,

I'm never going to get used to people screaming when I sing a solo on stage. I just..wow. I don't want to sound cocky or whatever, but I actually watched a recording of our performance tonight and we looked like a legitimate band. We dressed preppy, mostly with varsity jackets and polo shirts and we had cheerleaders dancing behind us and it looked like a real concert. We moved around and really took advantage of the whole stage and you could tell that we were all loving it. Niall had a solo and he killed it. I also had a solo and girls screamed and the judges loved it. Cheryl said our vocals weren't the best of the night, but we're still here, so I'm really happy about that. I still just feel so electric, it's absolutely insane. I get so overwhelmed when I think about how this is real life, that I'm actually here, on X Factor, in a band that's getting so much positive feedback and that's really excelling in this competition. Wow.

Louis' mum and my mum and her boyfriend/fiance thing came to visit and it was so nice. I'm sixteen, but technically I'm still a kid and I still miss my mum like crazy when I don't see her for longer than a day, so having her here was comforting and wonderful. She's so proud and can't stop telling me how proud she is of me. When I was little, she always encouraged me to sing because I loved it so much. She went to every single White Eskimo "show", even though we did shitty Blink 182 covers. She never told me to shut up when I would sing at the top of my lungs at odd hours of the night or in the car. I have the best mum in the world, I'm sure of it. Louis' mum might be a close second. She loves Louis so much, I can tell you that. Everything she does is for her kids, and Louis gets his big heart from her. I love how affectionate the Tomlinsons are. Jay kissed me on the cheek randomly and it was really nice. I love them. A lot.

So since Simon told us that Louis and I can have a "bromance", Louis and I have been all over each other, even on camera. We just don't kiss on camera, but that's about all we hold off on doing. Like, we hug, cuddle, all of it. We even made this terrible innuendo on camera, oh my god. We were being interviewed before our performance and they asked about it, and Louis said that there was something very different this week and that is could be very distracting. So I said "I'm dressed as a cheerleader..I mean, no..that was last night" and I looked at Louis who for the first time I've ever seen, he was completely speechless. When the cameras were off he looked at me and said "that would be so fucking hot oh my god". I'm not going to lie, I like kinky things, and I think it's safe to say that Louis does too. I want to have sex with him so badly, and I can't wait until it happens. I hope everything's perfect, so I don't want to do it until we're out of the X Factor house and are able to be as loud and uninterrupted as possible. God, I can't wait.

Um, what else happened this week? Hmm..Oh, I was shown on TV in just my boxer briefs for a second. Gemma texted me calling me a floozy, it was really funny. Oh, and..okay, this is going to sound weird. But about a year or so ago one of my friends from school bought me a gold thong as a gag gift for my birthday. Well, I brought it with me here to be funny and I put it on the other day and made it show above my jeans and kept showing it to people. When I showed the other group in Simon's category, a girl group called Belle Amie, they all screamed and it was hilarious. I don't really like the girls in Belle Amie very much.

After our performances and the results, we had a little after party and Louis kept his arm around me and our mums were there and Robin (my mum's fiance thing) was there and it was cool. I like Robin. He treats my mum well and he's also really proud of me. And he doesn't seem to have a problem with me and Louis, so that's a plus. I still haven't told my real dad about Louis. Or that I'm gay. I actually don't know if I'm gay. I don't really want to label my sexuality, you know? Because I've had a girlfriend before and I really liked her, so if I said I was gay, I don't want her to feel like our relationship was a lie, because it wasn't. But I also know I'm not straight (obviously). So it's confusing. And I don't really like the term "bisexual" because it makes it seem like I'm attracted to someone's sex more than the actual person, which isn't right. I'm attracted to people, plain and simple. I don't care what their genitals are, if I like someone, I like them. Simple as that. And I'm comfortable with that. And that's all that matters, right?

Everything's so great right now.

Love always, Harry xx


	13. 14, November 2010

Dear Diary,

This week has been insanely busy and I have so much to talk about. It was revealed to us that we were going to the Harry Potter premier and we're all massive fans of the movies and both Zayn and I have read all the books, so we were especially excited. We all got ready and were waiting to leave and in walked Daniel Radcliffe out of nowhere!!!!!! He said it was thrilling to meet us because he's been watching X Factor every week. How crazy is that?! Daniel Radcliffe was thrilled to meet US. A movie star. Was thrilled. To meet. Us. WHAT. That was real. That happened. WHAT.

Anyway, we got to walk the red carpet and there were so many people screaming. Louis asked when this is all going to feel real, and I have absolutely no idea. We met Emma Watson on the red carpet as well and she kissed us all on the cheek and it was probably one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Like, I mean, she's really fit and I think everyone has had a crush on her at some point. So having her kiss me on the cheek was one of those oh-my-god-did-that-just-happen moments. She congratulated us on our success and I was almost sure Liam was going to faint. I later found out she called us all gentlemen and that she's rooting for us now and I think she became my new favorite actress. I may never wash my cheek again. (Sorry Lou :P) But yeah, the movie was brilliant and a wonderful start to the week. Ahhhhhhhhh!

We've been going outside to the fence and taking pictures with as many fans as we can through the fence. Our fanbase is a major part in what's keeping us here, so we all agreed that it's important to build a great relationship with them. We're never going to be popstars that ignore our fans. Ever. And I don't think all the fan attention is getting to our heads. I mean, I think we're all a lot more confident in ourselves because of it, because I don't think any of us were exactly the most attractive lads in school. I was fairly popular in school, but it was because I'm friendly and girls always thought I was "adorable", not fit. But now when I look in the mirror, I like what I see a little more than before, and I don't think that's wrong. I have Louis, again, the most gorgeous creature to ever walk this Earth, as well as thousands of girls telling me that I'm attractive, which feels fucking amazing. I'll never become cocky, I swear. Seeing the confidence boost in Niall is the best, though. He's seriously one of the most fun lads to be around, and I love seeing him getting the credit he deserves. I love seeing all the boys get the credit they deserve. They've quickly all become like brothers to me...except for Louis because we kiss and stuff. That would be weird. But I feel like there's so much fate that went along with us being united together. We're staying together regardless of what happens in this competition, we've decided. We've got a future, I can feel it.

This week was Elton John week and I suggested we sing Something About The Way You Look Tonight because it's one of my favorite songs of all time. Simon gave us the okay and we jumped on it. We decided to wear suits on stage this week, and Louis looked so good, oh my gosh. Before our performance, I couldn't keep my hands off him. We kissed right before we got on stage and I think that's why I did so well. It was my best vocal thus far, and my nerves were nonexistent (also something I credit to Louis' kisses). We sounded so good together, and I got to be in the middle this week, which was really cool. Simon gave us a standing ovation, it was magical. Again, we got no negative feedback from any of the judges, and they all seem to think we have a shot at winning.

We ended up being safe again, but Aiden wasn't so lucky. He's really torn up about it. We all are. He and Louis became pretty close friends and he especially is sad to see him go. He's going to have a career though, I think. I can totally see a record label signing him. I wish him the very best.

I can't wait to see what else life has in store for me. For us.

Love, Harry xx


	14. 21 November, 2010

Dear Diary,

We've been working on our fan mail a lot this week. We made it a goal to open and reply to every single letter. Then we saw that there were ten trash bags full of them, but we still opened them all. I think if we spend most of tomorrow writing back, we'll get all of it done. Most of them were from girls talking about how great we are and how cute we are, which was awesome, but one stood out a lot. I guess Louis and I's "bromance" thing is really catching on, because one letter had a picture of us and she wrote "Larry Stylinson" on top of it. Louis Tomlinson + Harry Styles = Larry Stylinson. It's kind of brilliant, really. Like how they mix Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's names to make Brangelina. I told Gemma about it and she thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and she even tweeted about it. Speaking of tweeting, Louis responded to a bunch of fans asking him who his best friend was and he responded with Harry every time. I love that. I love that we're not only dating, but we're best friends too. I'm really close with all the boys, but it's obviously a little different with Louis.

We went to Wembley again and it was the best ever, other than the result, but that's okay. We had a really great time and that's all that really matters.

The week was Beatles week and I've been waiting for it this whole competition. It's already been seven weeks, isn't that mental? Almost two months. Wow. Anyway, we sang All You Need is Love, which is arguably one of the best Beatles songs of all time. I love the message and I hope one day I'll be able to meet Paul McCartney or Ringo Starr. The pressure was really on this week and our vocal coaches added more difficult harmonies for us so we could stand out. We were having a little difficulty at first, but we kept at it and finally got it down. I got to be in the middle again this week during our performance, it was cool. I've never been more proud of a solo before today. I actually sounded really good, and that's not be being cocky, I just worked really hard and it payed off. We got people to jump and clap behind us and it was amazing. The energy was insane and the judges really liked it. Louie even called us the Fab 5, and it's so weird to be compared to the Beatles. I doubt we'll ever get that big, but it was still really cool. I need new adjectives. But we did make it through again.

Louis and I took his laptop outside last night and watched A Lot About Love on a blanket under the stars together. He told me he's really fallen hard for me, and I told him that I have too. It's strange. In front of everyone, Louis is always goofing around and being silly, but when it's just us he goes into serious mode sometimes and is the sweetest person I've ever met. We still goof around together and have the time of our lives and laugh together, but we also do the mushy coupley things and I think our relationship is perfect. He's really messy and that would bother me if it was anyone else, but what's a little mess? He's so cute. SO cute. And he's gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. I'm so fond, Diary. His birthday is Christmas Eve and I'm already trying to figure out what to get him. I want it to be something he'll really love.

Love, Harry xx


	15. 5 December, 2010

Dear Diary,

Remember that charity single all the contestants from X Factor did? It's in stores now. The boys and I went out to get it this week and there it was on shelves. A real CD that we're on. Our names were on the back and that blows my mind. We recorded that in a studio and now people can go out and buy the actual physical CD with our voices on it. I know it's not just us, but it's still quite crazy. We're one step closer to having our own single out in stores, and I really **_really_** hope we get to do that. Zayn was talking about how even if we don't win X Factor that there's a good chance a label will want to sign us anyway, given our fan base and whatnot. I hadn't really even thought of it like that. I always kind of thought that this competition meant everything, that if we get sent home, that's it. But Zayn does have a point. Aiden's already getting his career started; Louis told me he's getting close to being signed. I hope we do win, though.

This week, Simon had to go to New York and was gone for half of it, so he asked us to try and think of a song to sing and tell him. I suggested a song White Eskimo used to do, Summer of '69, because it's so much fun to sing and it's a classic. I was kind of nervous to bring it up, but when I did, the boys were really into it and agreed to give it a go. When Simon came back, we told him about it and he thought it was a great choice. This performance, we wanted to give the audience what they wanted, so we moved around a lot and went to the little stage part right behind the judges and sang RIGHT in front of the crowd. I swear they get louder and louder every week. Louie said we sound next the next biggest boy band, and that made us feel great. Simon even told the audience that I chose the song and I couldn't help but smile really big, I probably looked really goofy. But I suppose I did a good job because apparently we really stepped it up this week.

Now, about Louis and I. He confessed that he didn't know how to cook almost at all. He said the only thing he knows how to make is this "magic" breakfast sandwich, which is really just eggs, hash browns, cheese, and bacon in between two pieces of toasted bread. He made it for me the other morning and it was pretty good, but he broke the yolks when he tried to flip them and it looked pretty pathetic. It was so cute, you have no idea. He then asked me if I'll teach him how to cook sometime, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I know Louis really has no desire to learn to cook, but for some reason he wants me to try and teach him anyway and I just found that really heartwarming. I may be looking too deep into this, but I think this is a big deal. Gemma told me she likes Louis a lot and that she finally does completely approve. This is also a big deal, because Gemma's like a mum in that she's admitted to saying that she thinks no one will ever be good enough for me. That kind of legitimizes Louis and I's relationship a little more to me, because our families are taking it seriously. Like, when I dated a girl a couple years ago, neither my mum nor Gemma would really acknowledge that we were dating and would still kind of treat me like a kid. And I was a kid. Shit, I still _am_ a kid. I'm sixteen years old, and even though I've grown up so much, I'm still not a full blown adult. It's so weird, but I like being treated like an adult.

Niall brought up how lucky we are to have a chance at living our dreams at such young ages. Louis' the oldest, and he's only eighteen. And like, we're on national television competing to win a competition that could win us a record deal with a major company. Our mentor is Simon fucking Cowell. Simon Cowell has faith in us. Things are so weird. So incredibly weird.

My mum asked if I would ever go to university if our career takes off, and I really don't know the answer to that. I mean, I was supposed to go, and then all this happened. I did really want to go, I always really loved school. But if, best case scenario, we do become pop sensations, I don't see the point in going. She said she understood completely, but I feel like she was a little disappointed. I don't know, though. I might still go. Only time will tell, I guess.

Anyway, I think I'm going to climb up to Louis' bunk and cuddle now.

Love, Harry xx


	16. 12 December, 2010

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling so many emotions right now, and so much has happened, so I'm going to start out with the good.

Louis had his first ever cooking experience and I don't even think I can tell you how adorable it was, but I'll try. We decided on spaghetti because it's easy, but it's still a proper meal. I taught him how to make the sauce from scratch and about the importance of simmering rather than boiling. I taught him to measure in pinches rather than ounces or cups, that it always tastes better if you use your own measuring system instead of one from a cup or spoon. I taught him the diversity of basil and how to tell if a tomato is perfectly ripe just by touching it. Louis doesn't know his way around a kitchen AT ALL, but he did better than I expected. He wore a white and red striped shirt that I made him tuck into his red sweatpants because Louis does this thing where he leans forward when he's concentrating and I was afraid he'd catch his shirt on fire. He over salted the meatballs, but that's okay. He was so proud of himself when we put the sauce on the pasta and put the garlic bread next to it. He kept saying "it looks like a real meal! I did this, wow." and even thinking about it is making my stomach flip. We sat down at the table and Louis surprised me with a single purple heather flower. He told me it means "fondness" and I just can't get over him. It's actually kind of ridiculous how perfect he is. I actually can't. And do I even need to tell you that we ate the spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style? Because we most definitely did.

Also this week, Louis and I did this challenge for X Factor to see who could open and eat the most chocolate coins in one minute. They caught us while we were laying on one of the couches together cuddling. But anyway, I think we both go to two coins and we ended up tickling each other and throwing the candies at each other and then I said "now kiss me, you fool" and he got on top of me and acted like he was kissing me. I kind of expected the camera man to roll his eyes and not use the footage at all, but he did. Simon came to talk to us later and I was sure he was going to scold us, but he told us this "Larry Stylinson bromance" was great and people were going to love it. I hope that's true. We'll see what the people on YouTube think, I suppose.

We all got to visit our homes this week and it was a much needed break from all the hype...or so I thought. We all went to my house and there were girls everywhere, even all over my neighbour's yards. I hope they didn't crush any of the flowers. I love the attention, I really do, but it was weird seeing all those girls at my home. I don't know how I feel about them knowing where my mum lives. But anyway, my mum and stepdad threw us a little party with champagne and cake and the boys all got to know my family and Robin (my stepdad) talked about how we're all like family now, and we really are. I drank a bit too much champagne and Louis and I got dangerously close to fucking in the room I grew up in, but neither of us wanted it to happen when we were drunk, so we stopped. But I did give Louis a blowjob, which was an interesting experience. I expected it to be uncomfortable and awkward, but it wasn't. I mean, I was drunk and probably sloppy, but I did well enough for him to moan my name a little too loud and come in my mouth. I'm 98% sure the boys heard because the next morning Zayn kept shaking his head at us and smiling.

When we went to Bradford (where Zayn lives), we got to do a homecoming concert where we sang Chasing Cars in front of hundreds of people and the energy was unreal.

So we were in the final three and we felt so invincible. We have such a huge fanbase already and we felt like nothing could touch us. And then we got eliminated. Matt won. I don't know how to feel at this point. We're moving out of the X Factor house tomorrow and we're all really somber and I can tell we're all kind of terrified. I'm incredibly gutted. I did believe that we could have won, and then we didn't. Zayn was asked what was going to happen to One Direction, and he said that we're definitely staying together and that this isn't the last anyone will hear of us. And yes, that's one hundred percent true. This is a big secret, but Simon's going to get us a record deal because he's really upset that we got eliminated and he has no doubt in his mind that we'll be big. I just really hope everything works out, you know? I want people to know our names a year from now. I don't want to be "that curly kid from X Factor that didn't win". No, if anything, this elimination has made us all more determined than ever to make it. Mark my words, Diary: One Direction is going to make it. We're going to be on the radio, we're going to go on a tour of our own. We only got ten weeks on the show, but I swear we've grown so much as performers. Like, the first time we performed together, we had absolutely no idea what we were doing, and by our last performance, we were so comfortable together on stage and we look out for each other. I gained four best friends in the passed few months. One of them happens to by my boyfriend. Despite everything, I'm the luckiest boy in the world, without a doubt.

I don't know where life's going to take us next, but I'm leaving it up to fate and if it's in the stars for me, I'm going to fight for this harder than I've ever fought for anything.

Love Always, Harry Edward Styles xx


	17. 17 December, 2010

Dear Diary,

It feels so weird waking up naturally and there being silence. During X Factor, it was impossible to sleep in because there were so many people and there was never quiet; we all just kind of got used to it. And now, since it's only my mum, Gemma and I in the house, sometimes you don't hear a sound for hours. Silence is great sometimes, it's just weird.

Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering what One Direction is up to since we lost. (Even if you're not wondering, I'm going to tell you.)  
Well, we're all home for the holidays and getting back together after New Years for "intense vocal training" and we're off to work on our first single. Modest! Management is interested in signing us and Simon assures us we'll be international pop sensations in no time. Isn't that crazy? Like, we lost the competition, but we're still going to make it, assuming we continue to improve and keep our "PR" in good standing. PR stands for Public Relations, but everyone in the music industry calls it PR for short. It's all kind of silly, really, but I'm so excited. We've all been doing twitcams and talking to fans on Twitter during our break, and surprisingly, lots of our fans stuck with us after we lost.

Speaking of twitcams, I called Louis earlier today while he was in the middle of one. We've spoken on the phone every night since we said an almost tearful goodbye at the X Factor house only a few days ago. I called him to tell him about a dream I had about him, a kind of steamy dream that involved his dainty, perfect lips inching down my torso until I got so excited I woke myself up. We fall asleep on the phone every night, and we started getting in the habit of having late night whispered phone sex. His voice is so soft, almost like honey, and when he whispers it turns into velvet and he's the sexiest person on Earth, I swear. I want to have sex with him so badly. I'm going to stay with him the day after Christmas for at least a couple days, we really haven't decided yet. I wish I could see him on his birthday, but my Nana is coming to stay with us and I haven't seen her in almost a year, so I can definitely wait two extra days. Speaking of Louis' birthday, I finally figured out the perfect present: red Toms. He owns black ones and last time I saw him wearing them, the soles were wearing off. I really hope he likes them.

Love, Harry xx


	18. 24 December, 2010

Dear Diary,

Today is Christmas Eve, but even more importantly, today is Louis William Tomlinson's nineteenth birthday. I got his Toms and wrapped them myself, and for it being my first time wrapping something, I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself. I hope he likes them, god I hope he does. I wish I could be with him today, but my grandmother is here, and that would be rude. I love my grandmother so much. Her, Gemma and I have been shopping and reminiscing about the days when we'd go over to her house and help her bake and tend to her garden. I miss it sometimes.

Right, back to Louis. I'm seeing him in two days and I'm spending anywhere from a week to an entire month with him, we're just going to play it by ear. We talked all night last night and at midnight I sang him happy birthday and I could hear his smile through the phone. I could tell he was smiling so big that his eyes crinkled at the sides and I can't wait to see him again, to hold him and kiss him and keep him warm. I did a twitcam earlier and showed the viewers the wrapped present I'm so proud of and I tried calling Louis but he didn't answer. I think him and his sisters and mum were out to dinner. But yes, I'm so excited and I'm actually kind of nervous to see Louis again. I can't really explain why, but I'm kind of nervous his feelings for me have dulled since we haven't seen each other in a while, which is dumb, I know, because when we talk on the phone he always tells me how much he misses me and all the wonderful things we'll do when I visit. I absolutely can't wait.

Louis and I discussed Christmas and we decided that instead of getting each other Christmas gifts, we're going to go out and do everything we want to do while we're together. We're going to go on hikes and go to the movies and anything else we want to do, and I couldn't have thought of anything better. I can't wait!

Love, Harry xx


	19. 10 January, 2011

Dear wonderful Diary,

Wow. Okay. I'm going to try and catch up since we last spoke before I reveal the big news.

Right, okay. So Christmas happened and I, of course, woke up way earlier than anyone else in the house and sat under the tree shaking the gifts with my name on them and texting Louis until my mum, Gemma, and grandmother woke up and we opened presents. Gemma got me nice skinny jeans that I really like. Mum got me an iPhone, she's the best. My grandmother made me an orange sweater that's really soft and a little oversized so it's very comfortable and I just want to sleep in it all the time. We spent the day bonding as a family, and I helped my grandmother cook Christmas dinner for the first time, which is a huge deal. She kept telling me how proud she was of me, and that it wasn't because I was becoming famous, but because I was chasing my dreams. She's one of my favorite people in the entire world. Oh, I also visited my old job at the bakery and Barbara gave me fruit tarts to take home, it was really nice. My dad actually called me on Christmas. He asked how things were and if I had a special somebody. My dad doesn't know that I'm dating Louis and I have no idea how he'll take it, so I just told him that I was indeed seeing someone and maybe he'll meet them someday. He asked if I was happy and I said that I was incredibly happy and he said he was happy for me. I don't know how to feel about him. I mean, I shouldn't hold it against him that he left my mum, I really shouldn't, because she forgave him long ago and I probably should too. I just don't know.

Okay, now to the interesting parts. So the day after Christmas, I got on a train to Doncaster and once I arrived at the station, Louis, Lottie, and Jay were waiting with big blue eyes and wide smiles. I ran from the train straight into Louis' lean, strong arms and then we hurried to the car because it was freezing out. The car ride back to his house was full of talk about Christmas and Louis' birthday. Once we got home, Jay took Lottie to go watch the twins gymnastics practice and told Louis and I we could stay home to catch up, which surprised me, but I didn't complain. Once they left, Louis and I made out so intensely, we were both panting and grabbing at each other and soon, all our clothes were off and Louis was sucking marks into my chest and hip bones. Louis' body truly is a wonderland, and I let him know that by kissing every inch of him and going down on him. Literal seconds after swallowing his cum, we heard his front door open and we barely had gotten our clothes back on before the twins bursted into the room to say hi to me and tell us both about how they learned how to cartwheel that day. We ended up having a nice dinner and going to "bed" early. (and by "bed", I mean we went to bed to make out until we passed out. Naked. Together.)

Louis was my first New Year's kiss. We went to a party one of his friends was throwing and at the stroke of midnight, Louis pulled me into the hall closet and kissed me into the new year. We got a bit drunk that night and ended up getting kind of lost walking back to his house and stopped at a park and made out sloppily until the sun started to come up and we found our way home.

We went hiking the other day and found a waterfall that I would like to revisit when it's warm out and we can swim in it. We've also spent a lot of time in his bed watching Netflix movies and the Inbetweeners and making out. Every day went by the same formula looking a little something like this: We'd wake up, have breakfast with his family, go out to do something like shop or hike, or go bowling, then we'd have lunch out somewhere, continue activities, come home, eat dinner, and watch Netflix and make out or listen to music and make out. And I thought it couldn't get better than that. Until earlier today.

This morning, instead of waking up holding my gorgeous boyfriend, I woke up alone, except for a single white tulip on Louis' pillow with a note attached that read **Follow the petals**. I got out of bed and discovered a trail of white petals leading out of his room. I followed them out through the living room out to the backyard where the patio table was set up with a white table cloth and plates with heart shaped pancakes on white plates and Louis sitting in one of the chairs looking sleepy and pleased with himself. He'd gotten his mum to make the pancakes before she left for work since he's shit at cooking, which was just fine with me. I kissed him and told him how nice it was and when I sat down and picked up my napkin, there was a dark blue electronic key card that he told me was a key to a room at the Marriott hotel in London. He asked if I wanted to go and I almost couldn't speak, I was so excited. I couldn't believe it. He told me to hurry and eat my pancakes so we could pack and catch a cab to the hotel, so I did. On the ride there, Louis told me we could order all the room service we wanted and the room had a jacuzzi tub and there was a mini bar if we wanted to drink a little. I kept telling him he shouldn't have, that it must have cost him a fortune, but he told me he was really looking forward to it and that it was worth it.

Louis didn't tell me he got the Honeymoon Suite until we got to the room. The room was massive. The carpet was plush and the sheets on the king sized bed were black silk and the jacuzzi hot tub was big enough for both of us to lay down in and there was a bouquet of roses on the bedside table and a bottle of champagne right next to them. There was a private balcony that looked out onto the entire city. It was something that middle class kids from Cheshire or Doncaster never even dream of.

I was almost in tears and before doing anything we ended up shirtless on the black silk sheets kissing and I kept saying Louis' name because I really wanted to say "I love you", but I didn't want to be the first one to say it in case it was too soon and then it got heated and Louis was straddling me, grinding his hips against mine as our tongues danced together and I hadn't realized we hadn't spoken the entire time until Louis said he wanted me. And that's when I both melted and got harder than I ever had in my life. And I told him I wanted him too. And he asked if I was ready and if I was sure, and I kept telling him yes, that I was one thousand percent sure and he asked how I wanted to do it. And I hadn't really thought about it before. I mean, I'd envisioned our first time having sex, but I envisioned it both ways, but I decided I wanted him to top, and he said okay. He pulled a little bottle of lube out of the drawer in the bedside table and we started kissing again, but this time, he squirted a little lube on his fingers and reached around to play with me while we kissed. It hurt at first, but Louis was really slow and kept kissing me and slowing down every time I gasped. Once I started to get used to his fingers, Louis broke away from my lips and started kissing down my body, teasing me by getting really close to my cock and then moving away from it. He gave me a rim job, which sounds really gross and weird until it actually happens. I had to make a conscious effort not to come right then, _god_ , Louis is good with his mouth. Once I was begging, Louis reached for a condom, which I took from him, opened, and put on his throbbing erection using only my mouth. He was shocked and moaned and I knew this was the right time. I swear there is no better sound than Louis Tomlinson's voice cracking while he moans "Harry" softly. No better sound in the entire world. So I got on my hands and knees on the bed and Louis got behind me and slowly made his way inside of me. It hurt so badly until he got all the way in, then there was this explosion of pleasure all at once and Louis was moaning and I discovered that I'm a screamer. We didn't last longer than ten minutes but we did come at the exact same time, which in a weird way is kind of beautiful.

After about half an hour of post-sex cuddling naked, I grabbed my phone and tweeted "And i say, What a way for the Ice to break....." because I couldn't just not document having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It's lyrics from the song Nasty Habits by You Me At Six, and the verse goes  
 _The best kept secret, rolling off my tongue, some say you’re_  
 _As easy as they come and I say, what a way for the ice to break_

And Louis thought that was perfect, because no one would know what it meant, but we would.

So today I feel as though I lost my virginity, even though that's not technically true. I was sober and actually remember it this time. In fact, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Love Always, Harry xx


	20. 1 February, 2011

Dear Diary,

I was born seventeen years ago today. Birthdays are so weird to me. Like, every year I always feel like I should be older than I'm turning. Louis says it's because I have an old soul. Isn't that something? Anyway, today was a really good day. Louis and I took the train back to Cheshire yesterday and are staying at my house for the rest of the week until we go off to London to be with Liam, Zayn, Niall and the rest of our "team" to start getting ready to work on an album and appearances and whatnot. We're really going to have an album out this year. Like, our own real album. Our first single is in the works right now, apparently, and I'm massively excited to hear it. Oh right, I was talking about my birthday. Okay, so this morning my mum, Gemma, Louis and I went to breakfast and my dad surprised us at the cafe which was really awkward at first because when it came time to introduce Louis to him, I said "dad, this is Louis, my boyfriend" without really realizing what I was saying until the words had already come out of my mouth. And it was all slow motion for a couple seconds. My mum froze and Gemma covered her mouth and Louis sat there looking terrified. My dad kept looking at Louis and then back at me like he was waiting for me to say that I was kidding, and when I didn't, he finally held his hand out to shake Louis' and told him it was a pleasure to meet him. And then he asked about One Direction. I was really expecting him to make a huge deal about it, but he didn't, and it was in that moment that I forgave him for not really being in my life very much. The rest of the day was really chill, I didn't want to go out and get drunk or anything, so we all stayed at home and played Scrabble and my mum cooked this really lovely steak and everything was great.

Surprisingly, no one other than Louis has commented on the weird walk I've acquired these past few weeks. Louis and I fuck every day at least once, and I guess I still haven't gotten used to the soreness afterwards. I topped for the first time just hours after I wrote my last entry, and _oh my god_. Louis is a pretty dominant person in general..that is until you tell him what to do in bed. I swear, he'll do **anything** I ask him to do. He likes when I call him a slut and tell him to go down on me. I expected being kinky would feel silly, but with Louis, it doesn't at all. We're incredibly open and I love it so much. He tells me I'm really pretty right after I've been fucked and I take that as a huge compliment. My cheeks get all red and Louis says my eyes get an extra glint in my eyes and he says I'm the sexiest thing on Earth. It still blows my mind that he finds me as attractive as he does. After I fuck Louis, he doesn't get red or anything, but his whole body stays relaxed all day and his eyes gloss over and I swear his skin glows. Our bodies are starting to fit together perfectly. When we sleep, he fits right into the curves of my body and my hand instinctively goes on his hip. He nuzzles his face into my neck and I'd dubbed that his spot. Less than two weeks from now will be our first Valentine's Day together and we've decided to go out to a nice restaurant in London since we'll be there already and then I'm going to surprise him with having wine on a blanket next to a lake that night to look at the stars. I really hope he likes it.

I'm excited to start working on our first album. I'm really excited to start this. Our management team predicts that we'll be a worldwide success and go on international tours. Can you imagine? I've always wanted to travel the world, what if I got paid to do it, plus I got the company of my four best friends? Wow.

Love, Harry xx


	21. 30 August, 2011

Dear Diary

So I realize that I haven't written in months, and for that I deeply apologize. I'm also going to apologize for the somber tone this entry will most likely consist of. I have so much on my mind and it's three in the morning and I'm having trouble being optimistic right now.

I'm probably not going to cover everything that's happened since I last wrote, but here's what I can gather right now:

We went on the X Factor tour which was the most exciting few months of my life and probably the last completely innocent outings with the band. Louis and I are inseparable, there's no denying it, and apparently two male teen heart throbs hopelessly in love and devoted to each other is "toxic" to the band. They sat us down, five or so middle aged men in suits, and told us that we're young and the world is at our fingertips and we need to either get over our puppy love or not be as open about it. That's a really hard thing to hear, because there's no doubt in my mind that Louis was made for me and I for him. That may be really naive of me to think, but it's how I feel and I'm not going to be that person that shields themselves from love to avoid getting hurt. As far as being in love goes, I want to feel the intensity; I want to experience every raw emotion that goes along with it. If it doesn't work out, at least I have those memories, and if it does, that makes it so much more beautiful, you know? So Louis is "dating" Hannah, which is fine, but I don't think she likes the idea of being his beard anymore. I don't know how I'll be able to handle it if they ever make me have a "girlfriend". Our relationship is still going strong, though. I finally told him I loved him, but it's kind of a funny story.

The night after our first performance on the X Factor tour, we'd just gone off stage and we were all sweaty and freaking out at how we actually just played in front of a whole mess of people that paid to see us perform. We were high off our own adrenaline and I pulled Louis aside behind the extra speakers backstage and I had every intention of telling him I loved him, but then I tripped over a chord and fell, but Louis caught me, and I looked up and him and said "oops" and he looked into my eyes and said "hi" and at least a full sixty seconds passed of him just holding me there and us looking into each other's eyes and we finally, at the **exact** same time said "I love you". Like, if that's not the most perfect and beautiful first "I love you" story, I don't know what is. Like, we stood in silence for sixty seconds and spoke at the exact same time. We were on the same page and it was something out of a movie. I just..I love him so much, you don't understand.

One Direction's first album comes out in two days and we're all really excited and nervous. I hope it does well. We didn't really get to write any of our own songs, but we got to provide input. Zayn wrote his first for our first single called What Makes You Beautiful, which is a catchy as fuck song that I hope people like as much as we do. We worked really hard and had to go through so much voice training, I hope it all pays off. I just don't want to jinx anything right now. We all had to be trained in things we can and can't say in interviews and stuff, and it's really all very scripted. Like, there are certain words we can't use, and certain topics we have to avoid at all costs. Louis and I can't confirm our relationship under our contract. Zayn can't even say the word "marijuana". It's all kind of fucked, but I guess it's a small price to pay.

I lay awake at night a lot thinking lately. I think about Louis and I and our future together. Our families have pretty much molded into one. He's the one that was made for me, I promise you that. I know we're young and I know we live in a world that isn't ready for our love, but I'm going to start a family with him someday.

Love always, Harry xx


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